


when bored—

by ColetteIsAPotato



Series: Hetalia Drabbles [7]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Bad Touch Trio | Bad Friend Trio, Chatting & Messaging, Hijinks & Shenanigans, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Omegle, Why Did I Write This?, autocorrect is a bitch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:41:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24537172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColetteIsAPotato/pseuds/ColetteIsAPotato
Summary: One of the Bad Touch Trio's random online chat. From start to end.Or. Me ranting about my horrible experience with chatting with online strangers. With other complications and problems.
Relationships: America/England (Hetalia), France & Prussia & Spain (Hetalia)
Series: Hetalia Drabbles [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1420210
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	when bored—

**Author's Note:**

  * For [innocent_mxnds](https://archiveofourown.org/users/innocent_mxnds/gifts).



> I am ranting... And it ended up a fic. Welp.
> 
> Translation:
> 
> Mon ami (My friend)
> 
> Fait chier! (Shit!)
> 
> Flasche (Prat)
> 
> Ich flippe gleich aus! (I’m about to flip out!)
> 
> Branleur (a wanker)
> 
> Fahr zur holle (go to hell)
> 
> eier (bollocks)
> 
> Der hat wohl am Blitz geleckt! (That guy’s totally mental!)
> 
> Enculé (arsehole)

The waiting had gone on for hours and Gilbert wasn't feeling so up to it anymore. Minutes ago he and his friends passed the time by chatting up strangers but none of them seemed the least bit interesting.

"Another one?" Francis asks nonchalantly, not even looking at his phone.

"Yeah, some horny chick." Antonio snorts at his answer.

"What did you introduce yourself as?"

"A 19-year old male."

A minute passes. Gilbert groans in annoyance, "They say the same damn thing."

Francis clicks his tongue and looks over his shoulder, "The line's still long, it'll take the whole day before we get our turn."

His eyes searched the other line parallel to theirs, "I don't see anyone we know, better get a good chat before I die of inactivity."

The German boy sighs as he ends the conversation. He goes to start another and minutes later he wants to throw his phone out the window.

"How about putting an interest there, maybe you can actually chat with someone decent." The Spanish boy suggests as he shrugs his shoulders noncommittally.

Gilbert thinks for a moment, "What do I write? I like porn or something? That's wurst."

Francis laughs at his pun, "That's not classy."

"I'm not classy, I'm awesome!" The boy retorts as he presses the interests.

"Something like candy or something, or kids?"

Francis frowns, "Antonio, no."

For a moment the Spanish boy doesn't react before he realizes the impact of his suggestion.

"Hey, I didn't mean it that way!" Gilbert ignores the two bickering as he thinks of an interesting topic.

"Something stupid like..." An idea passes and he goes to type it on screen: " **books** "

"Really? _Mon ami_ , who would want to talk about–" A ding interrupts Francis' sentence, "Oh, I stand corrected."

The trio goes to stare at the phone so very intently before the stranger starts the conversation.

> [Hello.]
> 
> (hi)
> 
> [What types of books would you like to discuss with me?]
> 
> (idc what)
> 
> [...]
> 
> (u there?)
> 
> [I'm quite displeased with the way you word your sentences. If it isn't too much of a hassle, will you please correct yourself accordingly?]

Francis bursts out laughing at that, Gilbert flushes red when both his friends start laughing.

"What the hell is with this guy!" He complains.

> [You can end the conversation if it's a bit too much for you to do. Cheerio.]

With that, the French boy is shaking his head forcing himself to keep his laughter down, "Damn, pfft."

"I am not backing down. I am awesome!"

> (Alright, alright. I'll fic them)
> 
> (x*)
> 
> [Oh, that's fascinating. I thought you'd leave.]
> 
> (Well, I can't say no to a challengr)
> 
> (r*)
> 
> (e*)
> 
> (challenger*)
> 
> [How eloquent. Should I applaud you for that?]
> 
> (I'm sorry dudez)
> 
> (dudez*)
> 
> (dud*)
> 
> (dude*)
> 
> (Sorry)
> 
> [I appreciate that you actually took your time to correct yourself grammatically.]
> 
> (Yeah)
> 
> [Back to my first question, "What types of books would you like to discuss with me?"]
> 
> [Are you interested in classics?]

"Shit I don't really read that much. I don't like classics..." Gilbert paused and looked back to his friends, "You think this guy will end the conversation if I say that?"

The Spanish boy shrugs and Francis' merely gestures to the phone.

> [Though I do believe some classics tend to be flawed but I think nowadays it just adds to its charm.]

"Um, yeah. I should just straight out tell him that." The trio nod their heads at that decision.

> (I don't really like classics)
> 
> (Don't really read them)
> 
> [Ah, that's quite alright. We all have different preferences.]
> 
> [No need to fuss. I understand.]
> 
> (thanks?)
> 
> [If you're not fond of classics, what do you prefer?]
> 
> (comics)
> 
> [Comics?]
> 
> [...]
> 
> (Yeah)

"He's not replying, do you think he's going to drop the conversation?" Antonio questions as a moment passes.

"Type something, Gil."

"I know, I know. I just don't know what to say. I can't fake it, he'll probably notice."

Francis glares at the German, "What are you a Virgin Maiden or something? You're already faking it just continue."

"Fine, I'll say something convincing like..."

> (I like romance too)

"What the hell?"

Gilbert shrugs, "Maybe it's a girl."

"So you assume it's a _chica_?"

"We'll never know if we don't sound this guy out."

"He's not even replying anymore."

> [Me too. I'm rather fond of romance novels. What's your favourite so far? I honestly enjoyed Jane Austin's "Pride And Prejudice"]

"What was the name of that book that became a movie? The one with a lot of... Romance? And—" Gilbert waits for an answer from his friends.

"Put Fifty Shades, that's a book right?" The Spanish boy suggests shrugging his shoulders.

> (Fifty Shades of Grey) 
> 
> (it was made into a movie so I guess it was good, it was a nice romance book)

"What else do I say?" 

"..."

> (It's very romantic)

"Wow, that's very convincing." Francis laughs although a frown was now present on his face.

"Well, what's wrong with it?"

"You said it was ' _very romantic_ '?" Francis narrows his eyes at the German, "That book was horrible, he's not going to buy it. The crap in that book isn't BDSM. He's going to be very offended. I mean, I already am—"

"Why the fuck didn't you say something before I typed it in?"

"Ah, life is far too short, everything was happening too quickly. _C'est la vie_. What were you expecting from me?"

> [...]
> 
> [Correct me if I'm wrong.]
> 
> [Judging from your vocabulary and grammar, you're a highschooler.]
> 
> [Probably male, around 18 or 19 at most.]
> 
> [Perhaps by chance you're...]
> 
> [Are you American?]

"Are we American?"

Francis scoffs, "My nationality is French even if I could be an American citizen by now."

"I have nothing against being American, but as a pure Spanish man. Mama and Papa will freak if I claimed to be an American citizen."

"Yeah, we aren't."

> (No)
> 
> [I can't believe that took you more than a moment to process.]
> 
> [Although it could also be due to some incorrigible signal or that whatnot.]
> 
> (It was the signal)
> 
> [So.]
> 
> (What)
> 
> [My assumption.]

"What should I say?"

Francis reaches for the phone, "Give it here."

> (Oh that)
> 
> (No, I'm not)
> 
> [How moronic of you.]
> 
> (What?)
> 
> [Am I being terribly rude? You can end the conversation. I feel as though I'm purposely berating you.]
> 
> (Yes)
> 
> [You're seeming more and more like a poser. Do you truly even want to chat about books or are you merely playing around?]

" _Fait chier!_ You can have it back." The boy tosses the phone over.

Catching the mobile phone, Gilbert looks back at the screen.

> [You actually wanted to input in the interest some crappy thing p*rn or children.]
> 
> [You better start being decent. You dastardly pedophilic pervert!]

"What the fuck? I haven't even said anything bad and this guy already suspects I am."

The Spanish shrugs, "Just apologize."

> (sorry)
> 
> [Are you going to ask for my snap now?!]
> 
> (yes)

"Are you deliberately making him mad, Gil?" 

"Shit it was on impulse..." Gilbert pauses for a moment as the screen flashes quickly, a barrage of messages flood the screen.

> [Bugger off you slimey tosser! Is that all you blighters can do?!]
> 
> [Well, screw you!]
> 
> [You're a git, a bastard, a prat! You're damn pillock!]
> 
> [Naff off you bloody twat! Go back to pre-school, you daft cow!]

"Me? A _Flasche_? Argh! _Ich flippe gleich aus!_ Toni do something!"

Gilbert shoves the phone towards his friend Antonio.

"What are you expecting me to do?"

Francis and Gilbert: "Something!"

He hastily types out:

> (I didn't mean it)
> 
> [You wanker, what load of bollocks are you trying to suggest here?!]
> 
> [Are you going to ask me to send nudes now?!]

" _Branleur?_ " The French boy asks in disbelief.

"Omegle doesn't even have that option yet, to send pictures." Gilbert grumbles.

> [You're just some lazy sod who must be an uphill gardener! Go to hell you knobhead!]

" _Fahr zur holle?_ Are we supposed to be offended by that? What _eier_ are you even suggesting?" The German asks with a frown on his face.

"Is being a gardener a bad thing now?" Antonio asks, the other two shrugs.

> [You're some ligger who lives in his mum's basement! You're nothing but a damn skiver!]
> 
> [Gee, golly, gosh, get a goddamn fucking life arsehole!]

A moment pass, and another.

" _Der hat wohl am Blitz geleckt!_ "

"How did I become an _Enculé_ here? Give that to me!" Francis exclaims.

He quickly punches in:

> (sorry sorry)
> 
> (autocorrect)
> 
> [What the hell is your problem? Autocorrect. You blame your poor behaviour on the damn autocorrect!]
> 
> [Do you think I'm a bleeding three-year-old?]
> 
> (No)
> 
> (Look, between both of us you're the one freaking out so)
> 
> (Calm down)
> 
> [I'm calm. As calm and insulted as one can be.]

And the conversation ends there.

"What the actual fuck." Gilbert mutters staring at the screen.

"Want to watch a compilation of dumb stunts instead, I'm starting to get wary of these chat sites." Antonio suggests.

"Yeah.." 

"Or we can play PUBG too."

"But the internet is slow." Francis complains."

They grow silent, despite the conversation that occurred, they had thought it was a long one that might've lasted quite a while.

They eyes the front line. It had barely moved.

It was still a long wait. They were bound to grow bored after watching a video. Playing games wasn't really appealing when the internet was wonky.

Another moment passes before:

"Hmm, actually what we did a while ago was fun... Want to—?" Gilbert looks at his two friends expectantly.

"Yeah let's screw someone over again."

And another conversation starts.

* * *

"And what the hell is this?" A boy asks in a wry tone as he lifts his teacup to his mouth.

The other boy who sat across him reveals a grin, he enthusiastically points at his smartphone, "It's a site called 'Omegle' and you can chat with different people here. Look you can even add your interests."

The British boy sighs, "Alfred."

The other boy looks up from his continuous rambling, "Yeah?"

"If this shit's a dating app I will murder you."

Alfred vigorously shakes his head, afraid of angering the shorter boy. "No, no, Artie it's not." 

"Then what does that have to do with me?" 

The American laughs, "I want you to try it out."

"What would that do for me?"

Alfred shrugs noncommittally, "It could help you get more friends?"

The other boy frowns at his answer, clearly displeased. He rolls his eyes at the other, "I don't give a damn about getting more friends. I'm content with my life as it is."

"But—"

"I already said no, Alfred."

"Artie—"

"I said—"

"Come on Artie, just try it. For me?"

Arthur sighs, it was unfair that he would— whether he liked to or not— be persuaded by the small prodding. He grabs the phone and looks away with a flush on his cheeks, "Fine."

"Maybe I'll have a decent chat with someone."

The Briton starts up a conversation but before another could connect the American pulls the phone from his grasp.

"Wait I'll adjust something."

Arthur raises a brow, "Why?"

"Some people mess around here, give me a moment. Ah, here. What are you interests?"

"I can put anything?" 

Alfred nods his head, "Yeah."

"How about literature, tea, books too, how about knitting?"

"Knitting?" The American's brows furrow, "Really?"

"What's wrong with it? If that's not allowed then never mind trying to convince me to use that."

The other boy laughs, "Okay, Knitting. Here the conversation is starting."

Arthur accepts the phone and surprisingly he gets a decent conversation out if it.

"I'm amazed, this is actually fun."

"See, this is why you should try new things."

The British boy nods in agreement, so far everyone he spoke with were delightful. He didn't expect that from a sketchy sight.

"Let me see— shit it's already three. I forgot to get my bag from Mattie. I'll be back."

"Leave your phone with me."

Alfred pauses for a moment, his phone was his baby, as a millennial he couldn't possibly just leave it but...

"Yeah, sure. Continue chatting."

The American hurries over to the front door, quickly putting his shoes on. If he didn't hurry up Matthew might just consider throwing his bag to the side.

Despite how many people claim he was a sweet boy and that he would be the type to be a pushover, they were sorely wrong it wasn't against the Canadian's principles to ditch the boy's things when he doesn't keep his end of their deals.

"I'll be back in a bit!" He announces aloud, he hears a muffled answer before he leaves the Kirkland's house.

Arthur was on his fourth chat with a stranger, it really did shock him as to how polite a lot of the people were in this sight. Usually people were rude when chats were anonymous, maybe that was biased on him but that was his opinion.

After a minute he decides he wanted to add ' **baking** ' to the interest.

"Al I want to— oh yeah he just left." He ponders whether he should try to do it himself. He wasn't keen on using the internet and the sight was quite foreign to him but he was a Kirkland, he'd be damned if he didn't try to stubbornly add it himself.

Arthur presses at the buttons and it irks him that at some point his interests only all get deleted.

"What the hell did I do?" His choices just got terrible and at some point he accidentally exited the whole tab. He groans in annoyance before opening up another tab and quickly typing in 'Omegle'.

He presses what seems to be the site Alfred showed him and decides to just start a chat.

When it starts the opening is different. He pauses, how odd. 

> (m)
> 
> (16)

What's with the 'm' and '16' being sent? Was he supposed to send the same thing?

He shrugs and does the same.

> [M]
> 
> [16]
> 
> (lgbt?)
> 
> [lgbt]
> 
> (Hey baby r u getting hot?)

Arthur pauses, what does this person mean by 'getting hot'? Was this annother popular internet slang? Like 'pp' and 'boomer'?

> (Honey You're so sweet, are u touching urself?)

How is being sweet touching? The boy's brows furrowed together, this conversation was starting to feel disturbing.

An ominous feeling resided in Arthur's chest, for some reason he didn't want to know where this conversation was going.

Moments later he's screaming, "What the fuck! Why is this person sexting me!"

He ends the conversation in anger. The page loads and another chat starts. Moments later and another and many more.

"How many horny sixteen year olds are using this?!"

The front door opens and Alfred is greeted to a fuming British boy. 

"Are you alright?" He asks worriedly, his school bag hanging on one shoulder. The American puts it down and walks over to his friend.

"..." Arthur doesn't answer and so the boy glances at his phone and they widen at the words displayed.

> (7inch)
> 
> [What are you talking about?]
> 
> (My dick.)
> 
> [Gsidksissjsksksoosls]

The last bit was probably accidentally sent by Arthur while clawing at the moblie phone in anger.

Alfred takes it and ends the conversation, "Calm down, that's normal because there's no common interest. Wait— didn't I put some?"

"I..." Pink tints the Brit's cheeks. "I accidentally exited the tab."

The American hums noncommittally, "Haha, it's okay. Here let's put ' _books_ ' in. People are decent as long as there's an interest."

"I fucking hate that thing."

"Come on, you said it was decent."

"..."

"I swear, come on trust me."

Arthur sighs, "Fine."

The conversation starts.

> [Hello.]
> 
> (hi)
> 
> [What types of books would you like to discuss with me?]
> 
> (idc what)
> 
> [...]

"Why'd you send that?"

"I have a bad feeling about this guy."

> (u there?)

"Don't worry about it, there's a common interest so it should be fine."

"I... Alright."

> [I'm quite displeased with the way you word your sentences. If it isn't too much of a hassle, will you please correct yourself accordingly?]

"Ah, well that's kind of harsh."

"I'm pissed. And he has horrible grammar. So I'll vent."

"Haha, that's so like you, Artie."

> [You can end the conversation if it's a bit too much for you to do. Cheerio.]
> 
> (Alright, alright. I'll fic them)
> 
> (x*)
> 
> [Oh, that's fascinating. I thought you'd leave.]
> 
> (Well, I can't say no to a challengr)
> 
> (r*)
> 
> (e*)
> 
> (challenger*)

"I'll just end the conversation I'm starting to hate this."

"Hey, come on. Don't be all judgy." Alfred stops Arthur from ending the conversation, "The guy's being friendly."

"Fine."

> [How eloquent. Should I applaud you for that?]
> 
> (I'm sorry dudez)
> 
> (dudez*)
> 
> (dud*)
> 
> (dude*)
> 
> (Sorry)
> 
> [I appreciate that you actually took your time to correct yourself grammatically.]
> 
> (Yeah)
> 
> [Back to my first question, "What types of books would you like to discuss with me?"]
> 
> [Are you interested in classics?]

"If he doesn't give a decent reply I'm ending this."

> [Though I do believe some classics tend to be flawed but I think nowadays it just adds to its charm.]
> 
> (I don't really like classics)
> 
> (Don't really read them)
> 
> [Ah, that's quite alright. We all have different preferences.]
> 
> [No need to fuss. I understand.]
> 
> (thanks?)
> 
> [If you're not fond of classics, what do you prefer?]
> 
> (comics)
> 
> [Comics?]

"Aww, come on don't end it. Comics are a type of literature too!"

> [...]
> 
> (Yeah)
> 
> (I like romance too)
> 
> [Me too. I'm rather find of romance novels. What's your favourite so far? I honestly enjoyed Jane Austin's "Pride And Prejudice"]
> 
> (Fifty Shades of Grey) 
> 
> (it was made into a movie so I guess it was good, it was a nice romance book)
> 
> (It's very romantic)
> 
> [...]

The boy raises his hand with the phone and is about to slam it to the nearest wall.

"ARTHUR DON'T THROW MY PHONE!"

"How the hell is 'Fifty Shades of Grey' fucking romantic?!" The Brit angrily exclaims, "That book the most trashiest thing to ever exist, I don't buy it! The shit in that book isn't actual BDSM. It's awfully vanilla!"

"Calm down. Reply properly first." Alfred says soothingly, hoping his phone won't get smashed.

"Alright, I've had enough of this shit."

> [Correct me if I'm wrong.]
> 
> [Judging from your vocabulary and grammar, you're a highschooler.]
> 
> [Probably male, around 18 or 19 at most.]
> 
> [Perhaps by chance you're...]
> 
> [Are you American?]

"That's a stereotypical!"

"... They're not replying."

> (No)

"Did that person actually think over if they were American?"

"Could be the signal."

"Hmmph. True."

> [I can't believe that took you more than a moment to process.]
> 
> [Although it could also be due to some incorrigible signal or that whatnot.]
> 
> (It was the signal)
> 
> [So.]
> 
> (What)
> 
> [My assumption.]
> 
> (Oh that)
> 
> (Nah, I'm not)

"He's denial makes it so obvious." Arthur retorts, a frown very prominent on his face.

> [How moronic of you.]
> 
> (What?)
> 
> [Am I being terribly rude? You can end the conversation. I feel as though I'm purposely berating you.]
> 
> (Yes)
> 
> [You're seeming more and more like a poser. Do you truly even want to chat about books or are you merely playing around?]
> 
> [You actually wanted to input in the interest some crappy thing p*rn or children.]
> 
> [You better start being decent. You dastardly pedophilic pervert!]
> 
> (sorry)

"Look he's trying to apologize—"

"I'm this is some pervert wanting to exchange dick pics."

> [Are you going to ask for my snap now?!]
> 
> (yes)

"OHMYFUCKING GOD!"

"NO, NO, DON'T THROW MY PHONE!"

Alfred tries to take the phone from his friends hand but the other dodges and hurried to the other side of the room whilst quickly typing.

> [Bugger off you slimey tosser! Is that all you blighters can do?!]
> 
> [Well, screw you!]
> 
> [You're a git, a bastard, a prat! You're damn pillock!]
> 
> [Naff off you bloody twat! Go back to pre-school, you daft cow!]
> 
> (I didn't mean it)

Alfred follows after him, soon looking at the screen he points.

"He didn't mean it."

"That's bullshit."

> [You wanker, what load of bollocks are you trying to suggest here?!]
> 
> [Are you going to ask me to send nudes now?!]
> 
> [You're just some lazy sod who must be an uphill gardener! Go to hell you knobhead!]
> 
> [You're some ligger who lives in his mum's basement! You're nothing but a damn skiver!]
> 
> [Gee, golly, gosh, get a goddamn fucking life arsehole!]
> 
> (sorry sorry)
> 
> (autocorrect)

"He's screwing me over!"

"But autocorrect does shit like that sometimes."

"Well, I don't believe in that because I don't fucking use autocorrect!"

> [What the hell is your problem? Autocorrect. You blame your poor behaviour on the damn autocorrect!]
> 
> [Do you think I'm a bleeding three-year-old?]
> 
> (No)
> 
> (Look, between both of us you're the one freaking out so)
> 
> (Calm down)
> 
> [I'm calm. As calm and insulted as one can be.]

Alfred grabs the phone before Arthur can hurl more sentences through the chat. He ends the conversation, closing his phone before tucking it into his pocket.

"He had the audacity to tell me to calm down! Why'd you end it?!"

"Arthur let's just, I don't know study. Let's try to cool off."

"Fine were going to do a fucking book review of 'Fifty Shades of Gray' for all the—" Alfred cuts the Briton off.

"Let's do math. You need to seriously de-stress."

**Author's Note:**

> I actually reviewed some British disses for this. Any Englishmen or women, you're free to correct them if I used them wrong in the sentences.
> 
> I winged them, looked them up and I laughed at how they were worded but they all still sound like disses either way.
> 
> Leave me a comment about your experiences, let's sulk about it together. Lol.


End file.
